Honest Aves

Dear Avery,

Abraham Lincoln Embraced His Honesty With Pride

You are named after dad's maternal grandfather, Abraham Novak or as he was known to his grandkids, Papa Abe.  One of Abe's traits that you share with him and that dad likes to talk about was his brutal honesty.  So that's what I would like to write about as you officially turn 13 and embark on your teenage years: the interplay between your honesty and your level of tolerance.

From Despondency to Exuberance

You have always been my most extreme kid who lives in vivid color with everything.  Yes with your brutal honesty, but also you love hard and you hate hard, you play hard and you rest hard, you laugh hard and you cry hard.  There are very few grey areas in your life; at your best you are vivacious and exuberant, at your worst you are cutting and despondent.  Last year we talked about you working on dialing down your living life at a level eleven down to a seven.  And how sad it was that we live in a world where for children, uniformity wins over lively spiritedness.  I think it was the actress Sharon Stone who said something like “everything that people tell you is wrong with you in middle school will become your greatest assets when you grow up.” I can’t wait for you to dial it back up again. 

But in the meantime, this desire for uniformity definitely increases as you enter your teenage years - pack mentality and all that.  And as much as you work to mute enthusiasm and original thought, I am also a wee bit comforted to know that you will likely never follow the pack and make stupid decisions just to fit in.

Growing Tolerance

The teenage years.  When the most important growing you do is linked to social and emotional development, nurturing friendships and being a good friend.  Throughout your elementary years, this had been area of some struggle for you, because of aforementioned brutally honesty and because you are intolerant of any behavior that you find remotely annoying.  This hasn't meant that you have been friendless, more so that you chose to opt out of group friendships or group events (or that you are not invited to them) because there are just one or two people who you think are not worth your time.  (By the way, for future reference, your brutal honesty is not saying horrible things directly to people you find offensive, rather it's you telling us in the privacy of our own home why you cannot stand these people.)  In the past few months, I have noticed a shift. Public enemies No.1 and 2 (i.e., the kids of whom you were most extremely intolerant) have become less offensive - well maybe not public enemy No. 1, you probably still really hate her 😀.  You have used these exact words, "You know mom, _______ isn't as annoying as she used to be."  So maybe these kids have grown and changed, but you want to know what I think?  I think, my sweet, emotional, feeling, intolerant girl, that it's you.  You have grown and changed.  Dare I say that you are learning to become more tolerant?  That you are not going to be one of those people who say that they are so inclusive and accepting of others, but in reality that's only true as long as those people are uniform to your thinking. GenX phrase coming at you - I hate those poseurs! What I love about this change in you, is it has nothing to do with the dulling of the positive side, your enthusiasm, and has everything to do with what it means to be a good human being - to celebrate people who are different, not just different on the surface (e.g., they look different, have different politics or different orientation), but truly just those who may act different than you.  Brava, Avery!

Because Bullet Points Help You Remember A Point In Time

And now for some stats as we are past the year mark of living in quarantine:

 - Your other namesake, Aunt Goldie: lives through you and your continued interest in creating true art.  Highlighting the word "creating" because you are truly creative.  You continue to build and craft and create with found objects, scraps of cardboard, paint, glue (you LOVE a glue gun!) and whatever is at hand. You have not yet taken a pause to slow down and develop technical skills (the craft part of arts 'n crafts), but perhaps in the future you will decide that this is important to conquer.

 - Electronics: You love your phone.  You say that you love gaming, but what you really love is creativity through electronics; gaming that involves creating worlds like Sims and Minecraft and still sometimes Animal Crossing.

 - Academics: You like to say that you are not smart (remember your worst living in color - despondency), but then you do well in school with minimal effort and get really, really excited to share new learning and new concepts with us.  Okay, so maybe not sharing the new things that you learn in math.  You love and respect the teachers who inspire you.  You are brutally honest about those teachers who squash your exuberance.

 - Sports: You had a new coach this year for basketball.  Lee played basketball at GRHS and is a newish college graduate working as a teacher, and also as your coach.  While you did not having a winning season, you did get to see yourself in your coach and there is so much positivity in that.  You were also able to have a season amid Covid and quarantine, with masks and protocols and no spectators, so that is a definite win!  We are in the middle of lacrosse season right now.  You are playing goalie again, this year the only goalie for your team.  While you are not yet at the level of a club player, you continue to train and learn and develop.  I'm proud of you for your continued perseverance. 

 - Body image: Ugh, 13 year old girls and their lack of understanding of their beauty.  As a group, you have evolved so much and have tremendous body positivity and acceptance.....of others.  If only, you could both afford the same kindness to yourselves AND recognize how truly beautiful you are.  Like strangers stop me on the street and tell me you're beautiful kind of beautiful. I’m okay with this phase as long as it's a phase and that you grow to love and highlight all that is beautiful about you.  I believe that this will be the case.  And I mourn the years of you not being able to do so.

- Broken stuff: one sesamoid bone in your foot, a phone case (but not a phone, hooray!), no broken glasses (or contacts, mainly because you haven't worn them much when life and learning is lived so much staring at a laptop screen). 

 - Finding your people: even in quarantine, even with masks worn at school, friendships continue to evolve, new friends (and even a best friend) have emerged, you do not have an obsession with being in one group or creating a "super group" of all of your friends.  Perhaps I could learn something from you.

My Avery.  I am looking forward to you becoming a bat mitzvah in two weeks.  I know that even in a less than ideal situation (masks and no major blow-out party with dj and dancing and focus on you), that you will do so with beauty and grace. Of this, I have no doubt.

I love you because you are mine.  I also really love you because you are uniquely you.

Happy happy birthday!

Love,

Mom