When grown up girls need their mamas

 Dear Avery,

Happy 18th birthday! I haven't seen you yet today because you have spent the past week doing business lady stuff with school and are currently on a flight home from Atlanta.  But still, you asked would I decorate your bedroom door like I have done since you could walk, even if you weren't here to wake up to it this morning.  (Of course I will! And bonus points that I could get it done the day before without any time pressure.) 


As you turn 18, this theme of grown up girls, not being as grown up as they think and still needing their mamas is one that I would like to explore with you in more depth.

When you google "what every 18 year old should know", you get lists ranging from 18 (cute) to 100!  These are life skills that I am proud to say you (and Alex) both have.  You can sew a button, follow a recipe, make a doctor appointment and do the laundry. You can also change a light bulb AND change a diaper - the latter a skill that I did not acquire until your brother was born!

I am confident to let you go out into the big, wide world and manage the day-to-day tactical tasks that need to be accomplished. I am less confident, however, in your emotional tool-kit. I want to hug you, to shield you, to protect you from the meanness that I not only see every single day among the teenage girls of this town, but also from the toxic space in your own brain, likely created by social media; the space that makes you believe that you are not smart enough or good enough or beautiful enough, or kind enough, or social enough, or worthy enough.  Let me state it once and let there be no room for misinterpretation, You. Are. Enough.

This does not mean that you should stop striving to be better.  Do not close yourself to growth.  Take the soft encouragement to work on making new friends, maintaining those friendships, repairing the struggling relationships and this last one is very important, do not torture yourself, end the bad relationships when necessary. I'm using the word "friends" for developing your emotional skill set, but recognize that this goes for nurturing all relationships.  Remember, it is human connection and community that are the secret to feeling content.

I also know that it is scary. You are a grown up girl and you need your mama to remind you that I choose you.  Everyday, I choose you.  I see this same scenario with my friends and their daughters.  You girls need a reminder that you are someone's priority.  I wish I could minimize the fear that if you choose someone that they might not choose you back.  Unfortunately it's based on your own empirical data of so many unintentional micro-rejections, the ones that you see when others are out together having the absolute best time without you, the colleges that said no even though you worked so hard, the boys who do not seem to comprehend your beauty and intelligence.

I try to think back to myself at your age. I am lucky to have lived in a time when the micro-rejections didn't add up because I didn't know about them. I don't remember being popular and I don't remember being left out.  I do like to say about the lore of my own social and emotional development that I didn't know how to be a good friend until I moved to our town and learned from some wonderful friends to show kindness. Perhaps this is because I am a relative introvert, I am happy to be at home, I become almost meditative and do lots and lots of thinking when I'm by myself. And I'm happy. So this remembering to be a 'good' friend does not come naturally to me.  I think it's the same for you.

It seems to be the same for a lot of young women, particularly those of you with high intelligence (smarty pants!).  I hear stories from my friends about their daughters who are a few years older than you.  Stories of not being chosen, or worse, being chosen and then thrown away. These seemingly all encompassing events destroy their confidence in the moment.  As mothers, we hold your sadness, try to tell you that it gets better, that you will be stronger and more resilient.  All this is true, but also we really, really wish that you did not have to go through the pain.  We like to see you laughing and leaving us, the proverbial nest, and yet we will always be here for you in the moments of pain.  We know that grown up girls need their mamas - we still need our own mamas and we are way more grown up than you.




I choose you.  Even better, I am delighted that you choose me.  Every. Day.

And now for the part that I know you love, the stats over the past year in no particular order:
  • In the past year since you have gotten your driver license, you have driven countless miles across countless states, with countless number of people in your car. Sometimes in your trunk.
  • You claim to have grown taller and claim to be six feet, but I don't really believe the nurse at Tenafly pediatrics :)
  • You have made it through the college application process and have found your new home (and roommate!) at Indiana University
  • You have purchased many many items of clothing on DePop and Poshmark and love a Parke sweatshirt.  Also Parke sweatpants are really really long and that's definitely exciting
  • You had an LBI weekend with friends, and left early to walk in the Israel Day parade with Natalie's camp.  And were on TV!
  • You were inducted into the National Art Honor Society
  • You played lots and lots of volleyball with Capitals - Grandma and Pop drove to Orlando to watch you play -  and as Captain of your high school team.  You won some sort of All NJIC Colonial award, but more importantly, having been robbed of your true impact, your coach made it up to you by making sure the whole team and all their parents knew how great you were. You are the best kind of leader - a servant leader - this means that you play the game to make sure the team wins
  • You went to the Dominican Republic, did an impossibly gorgeous photo shoot and also hung out with lots of high school boys
  • You made new camp friends, some of who you thought would be BFFs who have faded in the distance, and some who are truly in your life every single day
  • You were brave.  You showed up.  You weren't always included, but you were included more.  You had less anxiety about being included and learned to celebrate the wins
  • You had volleyball parties and basketball parties in our basement.  And college commitment party in our backyard, with color themed jello shots.
  • You gave Shayna love and also dressed her up and did hairstyles. That may not have felt like love to her
  • You celebrated Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hannukah (your favorite!), Purim and Passover
  • You made your dad happy by sharing meals at his Il Mulino birthday dinner
  • Jenny and Luna came to your volleyball senior night.  Ali, Elyse, Preston and Marley came to your basketball senior night
  • You and Alex ran the turkey trot and later that weekend we went to LBI and you did an impromptu Thanksgiving polar plunge!!! Brrr!!!
  • You saw lots of Broadway shows.  You didn't get to meet Darren Criss, but it was close
  • You played Rummikub, on your phone with friends and IRL with me and Grandma.  You won some, you lost some
  • You shopped for bridesmaid dresses and drove (soon to be your) Bronco around Florida
  • You visited Wake Forest and South Carolina and Tulane and UConn and UMiami and Indiana and fell in love with Indiana
  • You tried reformer Pilates with me and Lexi.  And you liked it.  You also fell in love with Orange Theory.  You did not so much like the weird cycling class with old men at LA Fitness
  • You took many sunset photos and appreciated the beauty of our earth
  • You cried. You laughed.  You put on make up and curled your hair.  You despairingly cleaned up your room when asked
  • You clocked so many hours on FaceTime with Olivia and Dalia that I am sure Apple is regretting making that technology free
  • You continued to be my ride-or-die. You accepted my love. You let me choose you
Happy 18th birthday Avery.  This journey into womanhood is not easy and not perfect every day. But how lucky are we to have each other as daughters and sisters and mothers and grandmothers. Our lives are the richest.

Love,
Mom



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