A focus on what matters

Dear Alex,

In just one short month, you will officially be an adult in the eyes of our country.  Old enough to vote, old enough to go to war (but not old enough to drink!) As Jewish parents in modern times, we laugh a bit at the thought of bar mitzvah being the age in which you are considered an adult by the Jewish community.  We can all agree that you are still a child at 13!  But can we also agree as Americans, that turning 18 doesn't automatically make you ready to take on the world without parent involvement?

Do you know how to drive and/or navigate public transportation? Check.  How to get dressed, tie your shoes, make a grilled cheese and do your laundry? Check.  All the stuff on this list? https://grownandflown.com/33-life-skills-college-kids-adult/ Okay, maybe we need to have a conversation about some of these.

But does that mean that we can just send them out in the world and no longer worry? To this I would say, absolutely not!  18 year olds are still children.  They still need our support.  In particular our emotional support and unconditional love.  To know if they make completely wrong decisions, screw up, fail, fail some more and seemingly hit rock bottom, that we are here for them to help them find their way back.  That nothing in life is so permanent that you cannot make a change for the positive.  That even their old parents who are nearing the age of 50 (!) are still works in progress; that we still make wrong decisions, screw up, fail and fail some more.

Alex, I wish one day for you to have the absolute incredible experience of parenting.  It is humbling.  When you have finally reached a point in life where you are pretty good at being an adult, all the sudden you seem to know nothing once again.  And after almost 18 years of being a parent, the most difficult lesson for me is practicing what I preach.  Namely, that emotional health is more important than anything else.  In theory, I 100% know it is.  But in practice, you are a reflection of me and so my very large ego gets in the way.  The part of me that wants to prioritize achievement over happiness.  While this has been the case for many generations, Social Media culture does not help things: "Look at my kid! They made the team/honor roll/lead in the school play/got into the TONY college/got the best internship/job".   Hiding the dirty underside of failure and disappointment.  

So I'm not writing this to you to push for the normalization of emotional health over achievement.  Honestly, this type of human behavior change is likely too large to expect that change to happen fully. But I am writing to you to let you know that my intentions are good.  While I do want to see great success for you, I also want you to find your way to success on your own terms, in the happiest way possible.  And also to recognize that there will be dark and sad times, but that those times all eventually morph back to the light. We never stop being works in progress, it's what makes life worth living.

All of my love,

Mom




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