An excel sheet of pros and cons

Dear kids

Rosh Hashanah starts at sundown this evening and as it is meant to be a time of spiritual renewal, here I am reflecting on my world. 

There are phrases like “a world forever changed” that are used after catastrophic events like the assassination of JFK (well before my time) or September 11 attacks (in my prime time as a newly married young adult). And it’s true, we can all talk with extreme clarity about exactly what happened in those moments. Our current world forever changed, the one we are living through, is different. Rather than a point in time and the aftermath, it’s a slow burning, multi year long, new way of life that has changed forever how we act, how we think, how we feel. 

(Complete parenthetical side note before I return to gloom and doom. Worlds are forever changed with happy events as well. That moment I said to your dad “Ani l’dodi v’dodi li”, or when I first found out that I was going to be a mama, and sublimely (there may have been some drugs involved), when I first held each of you in my arms.)

Back to the absolute strangeness of living through a worldwide pandemic, first in complete lockdown quarantine and overtime in a more modified way of living. We are all different people than we were 18 months ago. I used to talk about face masks and people would rightly assume that I was referring to a beauty ritual. I used to live my modern life in which the world was small enough to know as much of it as I wanted. Then lockdown. And the world became very small. Almost a return to a world sized many generations ago, except this time with internet. 

Before I continue with how Covid has directly affected my life, of course know that no amount of death or sickness in the world is good if we could at all prevent it. 

So pros and cons. I’m actually going to start with the cons first because I would like to end this period of spiritual renewal on a happy note and also it’s easier to get to happy on the other side of catharsis. 

Pandemic and quarantine suck! I cannot feel remotely spiritually connected through zoom. And it has been so long since I have been away, I'm fearful that I will fill devoid even when I do walk through the doors of synagogue.  Covid hasn't stripped me of my faith, but it has stripped me of my connection.  It has stripped my grandfather of his true love, Freda.  It has also stripped him of his home in California and more recently some of his eyesight (although that last one might just be the fact that he is 95).  Furthermore, this will be the second Rosh Hashanah (and two Passovers have already passed, and Thanksgiving), that I will not be celebrating with my family.  The joke in Jewish families is that if people from different sects of Judaism marry that it's a mixed marriage.  So that fact the I'm about to celebrate yet another reform holiday in my home, one in which there will be both dairy and meat served at the same dinner table, and for which I cannot side grumble to my mom about it, this is crushing.  I do not feel holiday joy.  Could my parents and sister make the trip to celebrate?  Well yes, but my dad has so much Covid anxiety, that I am sure they will never spend another holiday in New Jersey.  And to ask my family of four to travel to Florida, well that would be crushing and sad and upsetting for Eric and for his parents and his family who derive great joy from celebrating (reform) holidays together.  Avery, I believe it was you who said, "well THEY were the ones who made the decision to move away."  Ugh, knife in my heart.

I don't care about having to wear masks inside even though we have all been vaccinated.  I don't care that my kids have to wear masks at school all day long.  I DO care that Florida might as well be Timbuktu.  And that my mom and sister and dad and grandfather get to grab a quick lunch together and I'm never there.  I miss quick easy visits with family (by the way, this has been true even pre-pandemic, but heightened that much more in the past 18 months).  I miss travel to foreign lands.  I'm scared that the only way I will ever again feel spiritually connected is if I get the chance to be in Israel again.  I fear that this may never happen.

Okay, so I've written it all.  Notice not once did I mention a fear of sickness or death.  I'm confident in vaccines and my strong immune system and a balanced approach to life that is neither risk free nor risk adverse.

Which means I can attempt to leave that sadness behind and write about the great gift of the past 18 months.  Where there has never been a stronger sense of local community.  A world in which friends and neighbors truly have become framily (the family you choose). I have the privilege of doing work that I love, while sitting at home in my pajamas with my dog curled up next to me in her sunshine spot.  Lunch breaks are flopping down on the couch with Eric and watching some trashy TV.  Kids are within earshot, even if they are not always hanging out with me.  The pace of life has slowed, but has not stopped.  We know each other more intimately and we still, for the most part, like spending time together.  Life feels normal.  We can go to a store or the mall in the middle of the day.  We don't have to commute. For some stubborn reason, we still do not have the time to do the projects like cleaning out closets or rearranging the bookshelves.  We are better because we spend more time inside our own heads, more time walking and hiking and in the fresh air.  More time on our phones, they've become extensions of our bodies.  Our phones (and TVs and computers) are what separate us from being in an episode, not quite Little House on the Prairie, but maybe from some 1970s kind of show like Eight is Enough.  Because our whole world at the very beginning of quarantine was Glen Rock.  At this point 18 months later, I would say for the most part our world is Bergen County.  And here I go down that slippery slope of sadness again.  Nope!  Not going to do it.  A return to the importance of nuclear family.  A privilege to live with unlimited resources, easy & interesting work and enough time to better ourselves should we so desire.

Shanah tovah, my kiddos.  The pros outweigh the cons.  In wishing for a sweet new year, let's spend some time trying to manifest the disappearance of some of the cons.  Because it's always okay to want to strive for progress and even for perfection.

I love you,

Mom